I am constantly planning out blog posts in my head, trying to think of something “good” to re-enter the blogosphere with. But yet, when I sit down to write, my mind totally blanks out.
How many years have I been trying to start this back up!?! Rather than trying to focus on being perfect, I am just going to be real. I am going to be me. I have so many thoughts rolling in my head all the time, and in the past I have found it so therapeutic to be writing it out in a blog.
Over the last few years so much has changed in my life, so much has changed in me as a person. Having a business has been so much harder and more involved than I originally planned for. My theology has been majorly overhauled, and I am still in the process of rebuilding with a new view on everything. Growth has been slow for me as I only have so much space inside my head.
Nevermind growing a family! Here I sit 24 weeks pregnant with our third baby. THIRD!! Years ago when I first started blogging and sharing our journey I could not have dreamed of being this fortunate.
I almost feel like I am in the in-between. Not quite infertile but also not at all fertile. How can it be that?
This pregnancy has been one of mixed feelings for me. I spent a year dealing with some health issues that kept us from trying to transfer one of our embryos. Finally the time came, and it worked on the first try! I had not prepared for that, but I had fully prepared for a failure. With Mays it took us 4 attempts until I was pregnant with him. It felt too easy.
After Mays, we had 3 embryos remaining. Now we still have 2. It’s a wild thought that we might have 2 more babies after this one.
I have friends and family still dealing with infertility and loss. It’s humbling to me that I am fortunate to have 3 babies, while others only have 1, or none, or have experienced a great loss. My heart is so heavy for them.
It took until our gender reveal for me to realize that I am allowed to be happy about this pregnancy. It is something we prayed, wished and hoped for. It something my body has worked hard for, and I worked hard to be as healthy as I could be before we could do a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer).
It is ok for me to be happy in my season of joy, and it is ok for others to be sad in their season of sorrow. Just because I share my happiness does not mean I have forgotten what I feels like to travel through darkness.
Every once and a while, the feelings emerge. Like when someone talks about having “3 kids under 3” I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy for something I was never able to have. Or when someone is able to conceive on their first try. Or naturally at all for that matter.
One major thing I have been learning in my life is that happiness is a choice. It is not something you can find by pursuing this or that. It is about your outlook on life. The world is not against you. Bad things happen. Bad days happen. We travel through dark seasons of life. But we are ever so fortunate that we get to choose happiness despite our life situation. What a sad thing that would be if our happiness was dependant on what happened in our day to day life.